It happened again. The temper lost, voice raised, fingers pointed, sarcasm out. Yes, apologies may have followed, as well as desperate crying once they’re in bed (from me, not them), but can that really erase the fact that I just cannot hold it together when they push my buttons at the moment? There was a time when I seemed to remain calm in the face of it all…not this week.
Yesterday, I actually told one of them to shut up. Like, seriously. I just shouted, “WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!!” Tonight, it was, “YOU ARE WRONG” and “HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT” (petulant or what 😦 ).
I find myself wondering what’s wrong with me… Why do I get so frustrated? Why can’t I just stay calm? I am the grown up after all, it’s my responsibility to control my emotions. I’ve even googled, ‘How to control my temper’ and wonder if I need to go on some sort of course. I never want to be physically aggressive but I am more and more aware that when I have a short fuse, it is very short. I do not want to be that sort of person. Unpredictable, fly of the handle…please God, no.
Oh yeah, God. Have I given Him any headspace in all this? The One who actually knows the trajectory of these kids’ lives, who can actually change me? The One who sees my heart and all that I’ve thought, said and done, yet loves me and forgives me? Have I cried out to Him in anguish and prayed for His mercy and help? No, no I haven’t.
I’m not saying He’ll ‘fix’ me and make it all better straight away. But the Bible tells me that He will shape and change me to be made in His likeness. God’s Spirit living in us will bear fruit; fruit of the Spirit, not fruit of Me and My Great Efforts. Only He can make me a more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, good, faithful, gentle, self-controlled person. And He will do that as I live by the Spirit, trusting Him with each day, hour and minute (or, in my case it needs to be seconds…seriously, the fuse is short).
Hmm not where I thought I’d end up, to be honest. I was fully expecting a woeful, distraught post bemoaning my failures and foibles. Praise the Lord for a much needed change in direction 🙂